Tales from the Battlefield

After my last game or Warhammer and the resulting collection of school boy errors, stupid tactical moves and sheer crap luck I started thinking back over the years to some of the other things I (and my opponent) have done and I just felt the urge to share them. I will describe them in reverse order of importance/ridiculousness and what if any lessons were learned from them.

Suicide Warlord and The Heart of Woe
40K The Genestealer Marathon
4000 Points on a 4 x 4 table
Cataclysmic Screaming Bell Meltdown
Tyrion's Get Out of Jail Free Card
Verminlord the Happy Woodcutter

Suicide Warlord and the Heart of Woe
I was in Games Workshop Thurrock and the Skaven army list had just come out during Warhammer's Second incarnation Circa 1993. I was using my beloved Skaven and I was playing undead. My thoughts on undead were: kill the general, they all die. This was mostly true, if the general of the army did die then most units crumble to dust. So I devised a fairly cunning plan, get my warlord into combat with his general chop him up, but to be on the safe side give him the heart of woe (basically a suicide bomber) and if the general kills my warlord the resulting explosion will take out the aforementioned Vampire/Liche/Necromancer. My opponent, Lord Farquad (name changed) unfortunately was also aware of this weakness in the undead army and was prepared for it. I Skitterleaped my Warlord general into close combat with Nagash (stupid) and unfortunately back then both sides could cast spells in the same magic phase, equally unfortunately Nagash proceeded to chop my warlord to bits with his big bloody sword killing him with the aid of Vanhel's Dance Macabre! Even more unfortunate was the fact that Nagash made his ward save with the Golden Helm of Atrazar, and half my army legged it with the death of the general. The resulting battle was a terrible massacre where the forces of Undeath laid some serious bitchslap to my furry hordes.
Two lessons were learned there
1) A suicide bomber only works if it is a low value stooge and 2) Against undead skaven need the highest possible leadership!

40K The Genestealer Marathon
Another game from the dawn of time was a game of 40K (Rogue Trader rules) that I played in Games Workshop Maidstone. I was using a Tyranid army against Space Marines (I'm sure this game helped contribute to my eternal hatred of Space Marines). My opponent kept hassling me about what army I was going to use and as the shop had a decent Tyranid force (and I was working there) I decided I'd use them. This unfortunately had a rather spooking effect on General Grevious (name changed) who scuttled off to create an uber anti creepy crawly army list. On the day of the battle General Grevious begged me to play on a 8' x 4' table lengthways (!!!!!). Partly because of my view that a happy customer spends more dosh and of my hugely inflated opinion of my own generalship like a fool I agreed. The resulting turkey shoot was a joy to behold (for him) and a series of unmittigated disasters (for me). Trudging up 6 feet of table with not enough cover and missiles raining down of my brave critters was a humbling experience! One particular moment of ecstasy came when two full tactical squads of Marines threw Haywire grenades in front of them halving charge moves just as I was going to start ripping up the fleshbags! Needless to say this was as one-sided a game as is possible and it was all my own fault! Had we played the proper way I at least would have put up a fight! If Hive Fleet Behemoth had behaved like this then the Tyranid threat would've been over before it could even get started. On a positive note I played a game against Eldar using virtually the same army but the way nature intended and got a resounding win.
Lesson learned: Under NO circumstances will I ever play a game along the length of the table. EVER!

 4000 Points on a 4 x 4 table
Another game of Warhammer, this time it was almost the opposite of the last one. I had a 4000 point game on a 4' by 4' table. This was my valient Skaven against sly, sneaky and altogether tricksy Dwarfs! They don't fight fair at all! The main problem with this battle was the table size (again) but the opposite from the above nightmare, this time the table was too small and my army too big! Back in the old days the Dwarf army had this nasty little thing called the Rune of Being a Sneaky Fecker (or Hiding). This was put on a gyrocopter and in turn 2 it appeared and started parboiling units of Clanrats. With two Runes of Broiling (or something) the strength of the steam cannon was up to 5 so basically every shot defurred 12+ rats causing mucho panic. Plus the fact that Flame cannons started opening up on turn two gleefully barbecuing Plague monks and Stormvermin at will my terribly brave army decided that RUN AWAY! was the order given, so they did in droves. The game was another very one sided battle compounded by the Dwarf player's unwillingness to let me cast unpleasant spells on him. Using my now legendary hindsight the battle was lost as I had big blocks of infantry that simply couldn't help but get in each others way, coupled with loads of template weapons and some pretty accurate Dwarf crossbowing my ranks were well and truly thinned before I could lay some smackdown on his beardthings. 4000 points pretty much meant that my entire deployment zone was full and the only thing to halt the cannonballs, flames, superheated steam and crossbow bolts were my poor little verminous bodies.
Lesson learned: There is a finite limit to the number of figures that can safely huddle in a deployment zone and over 100 points an inch is stupidity!

 Cataclysmic Screaming Bell Meltdown
This episode was, once again featuring my ever present Skaven, and it was against a good friend and long time opponent Matt. He was playing his Empire army (I reckon we must have played 25+ games of Skaven vs Empire) and it was its usual bloody hackfest. we were at the latter stages of the game and my main Clanrat unit with the Screaming Bell was in the centre of the table with a large unit of Skavenslaves and Stormvermin flanking them. There were Matt's prized Knights Panther unit and various smaller units of Empire footsloggers lurking around. I rang the screaming Bell and it exploded causing a ST3 hit with no armour save to everything within 3d6 inches. 73 casulties were caused which decimated the Knights and quite a lot of Skaven too. I can't say this was a particularly bad occurance as to my mind the 8-9 Knights were, in the eyes of Skaven High command, worth the 50ish skaven casualties to get them! The game was still won so alls well that ends well, I suppose.
Lesson learned : Exploding Screaming Bells are fun and in no way should restraint be exercised whilst using them!

 Tyrion's Get Out of Jail Free Card
Another game with Matt, Skaven Vs Empire with some high elf allies, namely Tyrion in a bloody big unit of Dragon Princes. The scene; First turn, I ring the Screaming Bell (this is definately my favourite Skaven toy) and the result was all cavalry models make a panic test, and with Tyrion's Ld of 10 it didn't seem like a big problem. WRONG! Tyrion did me the singular honour of failing his panic test and flee to within 2" of the table edge (woop! woop!)! On to the magic phase and I got the then eqivalent of Irristable Force, Total Power ! The spell Skitterleap was duely cast but in a moment of total brainfart I put a Skaven Assasin in combat with a wizard rather than Tyrion's 800+ point unit and thusly destroying them. The most irksome aspect of this mistake was that Tyrion rallied and helped Matt to get his first ever victory against me and then lose my 14 game winning streak. If I had wiped out the High Elf unit the my victory points would've shat all over Matts.
Lesson learned: Even if you have to write it down to remember, if you can wipe out nearly a grands worth of points for a little spell do it, before you think of a 'better' target!


Verminlord the Happy Woodcutter
This was not so much tactical ineptitude (of which I seem to have plenty) more a serious case of diceclap. This was one of last games of good old 3rd Edition warhammer and once again I was battling with Matt. My Skaven Vs my Wood Elves, I was Skaven and Matt was the opposite of Skaven. The game was going as usual with casualties leaving the table at regular intervals, both sides taking and giving death, it was all going swimmingly. Then we came to a not insignificant close combat between and Verminlord (hard as fupp!) and a Treeman (not so much). Two rounds of combat saw the rather unpleasant demise of the Treeman, and his (or her) collapse. Back then there was an interesting rule that when a Treeman dies in CC then he can topple over and possibly crush anyone dopey enough to not step out of the way and generally much hilarity ensues. Yes, the Treeman dutifully fell in the exact direction that the Verminlord was standing - presumably rubbing his chin thoughtfully selecting his next diabolic plan - so a simple I test will let him nimbly dodge out of the way then cackle maniacally saying something really evil and cool like "Bazinga!". But no, the I test was failed and I had to witness my 600 point deathmachine get flattened by a 280 point tree, he himself chopped down. The icing on this particular cake was after checking the rulebook it turned out the VL was killed, not wounded I might add! The mental image of this scene still makes me (and moreso Matt) chuckle whenever we reminisce about old games. This was the point I should have conceeded the game as the Dice Gods were very obviously mocking me, but I stubbornly played on to earn a closely fought defeat (the width of a Verminlord I think).
Lesson learned: In some games, defeat is inevitable, even with a superior army, tactics and manouvering, the game is lost by those bloody six-sided buggers that I spend so much time rolling, rolling, rolling!

Well there are a few of the incidents that make this hobby so entertaining, frustrating and ROFLing, I hope you found them interesting if not tactically insightful. So here's to my next series of tactical debacles coming to a gaming table soon!

Warhammer Weekend (Wood Elf Vs Skaven).

Well I finally got round to playing a game of Warhammer. It was to be Boy!s first game so I decided to make it a 'proper' game, so I decided that we would only use painted figures. Not that big a thing really, I thought, after all I've been painting and playing for 20 years now, I'd have a wealth of things to choose from.  Well surprisingly, no. I have over 200 skaven painted and nearly 100 Wood Elves but as previous blogs have noted, I have a very ecclectic painting schedule, hence for my skaven army, no jezzails (I've only got two finished), no Screaming Bell (it's being repainted), no Doomwheel (again repainted) and none of the really snazzy new stuff from the latest army book - no Warp Cannons, Doom Flayer, Plague Furnace or Poison Wind Globe Mortar. The Wood Elves were hit even worse! I only managed to field 24 Glade Guard and only 14 Wardancers. No Waywatchers, Glade Riders, Treekin or Wild Riders. So after some calculations I worked out 2000 points was the size of battle and the army lists were to be written. As Boy! had no idea what a game of Warhammer entailed (and I didn't know which army he'd pick) two army lists were written by me and he just had to pick the army he liked the look of.

The Forces of Bad

The Flea-Bitten Horde
 Warlord (I didn't bother to name him): Blade of Nurglitch, Heavy Armour, Cowardly Disposition. 100points.

Warlock Engineer (Unnamed, but probably something like Squit Manktail): 3 Warpstone Tokens, 
Spells: Death Frenzy, Skitterleap. 130 points.

Cheiftan Battle Standard Bearer (I'd imagine I'd have called him Shart Poxknee): Heavy Armour, Banner of the Under Empire, The Musk of Fear. 95 points.

Assasin (if I didn't name those above I'm certainly not going to name him): Warpstone Throwing Stars. 170 points.

40 Clanrats with spears, musician, standard bearer and Clawleader. 220 points
Warpfire Thrower. 70 points.

40 Slaves with musician and Pawleader. 86 points.

24 Giants Rats with 5 Packmasters. 112 points.

6 Rat Ogres with 3 Packmasters. 258 points.

15 Gutter Runners with Poisoned Weapons and a Deathrunner. 256 points.

30 Stormvermin with musician, standard bearer and Fangleader. 235 points.
Warpfire Thrower. 70 points.

20 Clanrats with light armour, shield, musician, standard bearer and Clawleader. 110 points.
Warpfire Thrower. 70 points.

Grand Total: 2000 points (Give or Take).

The Forces of Goodness(ish)

The Tree Hugging Collective

Wood Elf Highborn: Eternal Kindred, Bow of Loren, light armour, shield, faint whiff of roses. 196 points.

Spellweaver Level 4 mage: Dispel Scroll, Power Stone, Talisman of Protection, Longbow.
Spells: Tree Singing, Fury Of The Forest, Ariel's Blessing, The Twilight Host. 315 points.

25 Eternal Guard with musician, standard bearer and Guardian. 352 points.


17 Dryads with Branch Nymph. 238 points.

16 Glade Guard with Lord's Bowman. 240 points.

8 Glade Guard with Lord's Bowman. 108 points.

14 Wardancers with Bladesinger. 266 points

Treeman with woodworm. 285 points.


The Battle

Boy! decided he wanted the skaven army, I can't blame him when I set the two armies up next to each other
 the Skaven looked a lot more impressive, 175+ models against 82(ish). I suggested he group them all fairly close together as wood Elves don't have artillery. I on the other hand spread my archers out to maximise shooting with my Eternal Guard behind the smaller unit of Glade Guard. My Dryads, Treeman and Wardancers were hidden behind a wood with the intent of scooting round and  presenting a very hard hitting flank force. In truth as both armies weren't at max strength i.e. lack of jezzails and flying creatures the battle wouldn't be truly representational, but as I said, painted only!

Ratty Goodness!

 The first turn started with Boy!'s Skaven running like buggery across the battlefield, I was dissappointed to lose the first turn as I had hoped to run my treeman into the woods, Tree Sing the shit out of the woods allowing me to charge my second turn and really disrupt the skaven lines, but to no avail. In fact due to the Giant Rats marching they were only  and inch or two from the wood making moving it a largely pointless prospect. The was no Skaven shooting and no magic this turn.

Tactical Error No1: It was only after my movement phase started that I realised that I had stupidly placed my Eternal Guard Unit behind my Glade Guard Unit meaning that only with two crap looking wheeling manoeuvres could I get my best shooter with his Bow Of Loren to fire. D'oh! compounding that I couldn't target the giant rats either it was a rather rookie mistake.So the upshot of my first turns offensive magic and shooting 5 giant rats, 5 Skavenslaves and 2 Gutter Runners.

A Rats-eye view!

Tactical Error No2 The next turn was a lining up by the Skaven with the only offensive action was Death Frenzy being cast on the soon-to-be-charged-by-the-Treeman Giant Rats. I let it go as I thought to myself, they're fucked. My turn consisted of a Treeman charge into the rats, some more shooting and my units of Wardancers and Dryads mooching through the wood to support the Treeman (not that he would need it). The Treeman promptly charged and failed to break the rats in one go, partly due to their immunity to pyschology I bet.

A blurry picture!

Carnage!

Turn three was when I realised the Dice Gods had decided that the luck was only going to one person at the table and it wasn't me! Shooting saw a Warpfire Thrower toast 10 Eternal Guard. The Gutter Runners danced through a storm of arrows into a Glade Guard unit and the Skaven Assasin Skitterleaped behind my archers for a big old portion of stabby in the next turn. The final nail in this turns particular coffin was my treemans inability to hit the rats whereas the frenzied rats caused on wound on him. One failed break test later the Treeman flees like goblin into the woods!

The treeman legs it!

My turn came and I thought it was payback time! I charged into a big block of spear armed Clanrats with my much depleted Eternal Guard whilst simultaneously flank charging them with my Dryads. The Wardancers charged the Giant Rats with the generals unit  a few inches behind so with luck a swift bit of choppy and I'd overrun into them! Predictably the Clanrats were on the end of a -5 break test and subsequently fled. The stupid slack jawed Dryads failed to catch them but my 10 strong unit of Eternal guard did and ploughed straight into the flank of the Rat Ogres! The Wardancer/Giant Rats tete a tete went pretty much how I expected with a total wipeout. I thought a nice overrun into the generals unit and the game is won! They were 4 inches away I rolled a 1 and a 2 ! Not good.

The final turn ended in 20 Clanrats routing a unit of Glade Guard the Gutter Runners and Assasin wiping out the other unit of archers and my Eternal Guard effectively locked into combat with the Rat Ogres. As for the Wardancers they were charged, defeated and slaughtered in short order. This resulted in a defeat for the Wood Elves which did not truly reflect my own ineptitude at my first game of Warhammer for over 2 years.

Release at will!

Score: Skaven 789 Wood Elves 600.


My main objective for the game was to get back into the swing of it and more importantly for Boy! to enjoy it. Both objectives were met and i learned a few things about both armies:
1) Big units of skirmishing Wardancers and Dryads are too big and ungainly, stick to 8-10 models.
2)The Lore of Athel Loren is pants.
3)Putting a wizard in the front rank of your top combat unit is the work of a nonce!
4)If you give someone the Bow of Loren make sure he can shoot the bloody thing!
5)Death Frenzy makes Giant Rats very nasty.
6)I already knew this one but you just can't trust dice, they hate me!

So hopefully I can get my painting hat on and crack on with my plan to field two tasty Warhammer armies so I can actually gain some tactical acumen. Until next time.....