Sunday, 7 April 2013

The Warhammer World is Doomed, Doomed I Tells Yer!

I like Warhammer, a lot. More than a lot really. I think it's a good game with enough variety to keep me enthusiastic, even after 21 years of playing it in it's various forms. what I don't really like is the all pervading sense of doom that surrounds it. What I mean is there are far too many bad guys, beating up on the good. The Empire, the Brettonians, Wood Elves, High Elves, Dwarfs & Lizardmen make up the forces of Order, Chaos - Warriors, Beastmen & Daemons- Vampire Counts, Goblindom, Dark Elfery and Skaven are in the Blue Corner (Forces of Destruction), and finally the Don't Knows of the Warhammer world : Ogre Kingdoms and Tomb kings.

The Forces of Wimpery

On the face of it the sides seem fairly even Good Guys 6 armies, bad guys 7, sitting on the fence 2 races. If you look a bit closer then the numbers don't really add up.
The Empire is the biggest country, with a huge army lots of artillery and wizards aplenty so no big problem here, I'd probably give them an 8/10 for what they bring to the table.
Brettonian, again numerous people, archaic feudal system where the few elites go to war on horsies with a few slack jawed yokels with bows and trebuchets. No gunpowder, and a matriarchal magic system which gives me the creeps. In military might I'd give them a 7/10 at best.
Wood Elves are great, just as long as you can be bothered to traipse all the way to The Forest of Loren, where they are rock hard - the trees join in to kick your arse! Good magic if a bit hippyish with some great close combat & missile troops. Chances of them coming to the aid the Empire or indeed any other of the Forces of Order? Slim at best. So I give them a 4/10 for their general indifference to others.
While we're on the subject of indifference no other race seems to embody such a total lack of friendship maintaining qualities as the High Elves. A superior attitude and Chaos Incusions followed by a neverending war with the Dark Elves means they are barely a tenth of their original strength. Infertility and possible androgenous elves means they are supposed to be dying out. Coupled with the fact that none of the other Forces of Order particularly like them around makes the High elves the Billy No Mates of warhammer that gets them a 5/10.
Dwarfs are another dying race that have been kicked out of more strongholds than many races even started with makes me think of them as the eternally bullied. Good fighters, brave, disciplined with loads of magic items & artillery. How comes they can't hold on to their stuff? Losers mentality I reckon, rampant alcaholism & ugly dwarfettes means it is infinitely preferable to die in battle than to repopulate the ever decreasing Dwarfholds. 4/10.
Lizardmen. Socially awkward, doesn't play well with others, communicates badly & overeacts violently to uninvited visitors. Lizardmen armies are definitely on the autistic spectrum of Warhammer. Very powerful but 'all the way down there' makes me think they are not much use in a crisis. Equally like to attack allies as to sit in their temples rocking gently, simply put Lizardmen ain't a big help. 3/10.

The Forces of Evil

The Forces of Evil are far better served.
Warriors of Chaos, big burly blokes with huge numbers of troops, good fighters and Chaos Hounds, and that's only the tribesmen. When it come to hard as fuck troops that like to rip off heads and spit down necks, the 'proper Chaos Warriors' have that position nailed. 9/10
Chaos Beastmen are basically a circus with the emphasis on bloodshed. Brute strength and ignorance is their motto, and the amount of beastmen and minotaurs, one can surely say this army is Horny. With loads of beasts like the Great Hoofed Snargleflasher and the Plogspittle Beast, they are a force to be reckoned with. I'm giving them a 7/10.
Daemons of Chaos are everybody's worst nightmares, innumerable lesser Daemons, and of course many greater Daemons. They very nearly destroyed the world in Aenenions time and since then they have become even stronger! 10/10!
The Vampire Counts have megahard characters with cheap as chips rank and file that won't run. Causes fear and lots of killing blow/poisonous nasties make them another very potent force. tonight Matthew I'm giving them a 7/10.
Orcs & Goblins are supposedly countless too, and have on a few occasions very nearly toppled the Empire! Not the most team orientated army but pretty good nonetheless. 5/10.
Dark Elves, not very numerous, but generally a gnats eyelid from eradicating their not so evil cousins on a regular basis. Plus they have Witch Elves and they are just sooooo cute. 6/10
Skaven are again one of those' too hard to count' type armies, but I once read that from one pregnant rat inside a year 3000 can be born, plus the fact that statistically you are never more than 6 feet from a rat at anytime then it seems to me they are pretty omnipresent. Boasting some the most devilish warmachines going, mindbogglingly cheap troops and some of the best mages then Skaven are pretty hard to beat. Gift-give them 9/10 quick-quick!

The Forces Of Meh

Ogres can be bought like some tuppenny whore by the docks in Marienburg, yes they are big and tough but all they seem to be interested in is food so leave them be and they will probably eat themselves to death!   And Tomb Kings spend all day cruising round wearing speedos in their chariots so to be honest I don't even count them in this, who's who of Warhammer butchery. Also nearly rans are Dogs Of War and Chaos Dwarfs, Halflings (snigger) and Fimir (who?). Added together they could probably fight their way out of a bone dry cardboard box, but I'm not a 100% certain of that.

The point of me trashing so many of these armies from a not very well informed position is simply to say that by pure luck the Warhammer world is not just a smouldering pile of ash with a few daemonettes dry humping  vampire counts and Skavenslaves mucking out tonnes of Minotaur faeces from the University of Nuln. So what I really think is it's about time the balance was redressed! Bring on the Mermen! Death to the Forces of Evil if they go anywhere near the beach! RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

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